are you struggling to stop blaming yourself as it has become a deeply ingrained habit?

i understand how you’re feeling, i was once in your position, i know how exhausting it can feel to constantly be turning against yourself.

i will provide you with my insight and understanding on self blame so you can hopefully begin to overcome your tendencies.

learn the same strategies i used to shift my negative self blame mindset.

the main thing i ask of you is please remove all judgement from yourself, you need to feel safe.

self blame

i think most people have blamed theirself for something that has happened in their life from one time to another.

but this article is not about the handful of times you have blamed yourself on something that has happened in your life.

this article is for the people who have the behavioural habit to blame theirself.

and as you’re still reading, you may know how exhausting this habit can be.

there are exercises included in this article that will help you recognise the roots of your self blame.

these will allow you to begin the process of change towards healing, growing and gaining a higher self awareness.

i am extremely passionate on pushing you to put in the hard yards and dig deep within to figure out how to overcome self blame.

as these behaviours can lead to a continuous cycle of mental health challenges and self criticism.

okay, let’s begin learning.

what is self blame?

i have found that self blame has many, many layers.

the depths of blaming yourself usually stems from deep within you. 

blame is simply the worlds best excuse.

it gives you a ‘social acceptable’ excuse to feel sorry for yourself.

you may find yourself saying, “i’m so dumb”, “i don’t deserve xyz”, “everything in my life goes wrong”, “it’s all my fault”,

but are they addressing the situation or circumstance that actually happened?

nope. it isn’t.

self blame does not involve you to take any action to redress the particular circumstance or problem.

(as for why i said it’s the best excuse)

signs of self blame

• harmful self criticism
• overly sensitive to rejection
• constantly feeling the need to apologising
• tendency to overthink and over analyse everyday circumstances 
• people pleasing tendencies
• overly responsible in relationships (partner, friend, parent, sibling – not just a romantic relationship)
• having minimal boundaries
• have the mindset of ‘that was luck’ when you succeed or do well at something
• find it really hard to trust others
• feeling guilty a lot of the time

self blame after trauma

trauma can often bring a profound sense of confusion, vulnerability and helplessness.

after a traumatic event or experience/s, it can sometimes leave us feeling alone and very isolated.

when something traumatic happens, our minds tend to look for ways to try and make sense of what happened.

self blame is your body’s misguided attempt to try to regain understanding or a sense of control.

a few reasons we may take hold of self blame after trauma can be due to, but not limited to,

internalising your trauma, feeling powerless, helpless, shame or embarrassment, in denial, or attempt to gain a false belief of responsibility.

i personally internalised my trauma and blamed myself for not being strong enough to fight back or speak out.

i was in severe denial of my experience which caused me to blame myself for many things in my life.

please do not blame yourself for your trauma or the way you are after experiencing trauma.

the ways we deal and heal with trauma is different for everyone. you are navigating your way through life as best as you can.

be proud.

why do i always blame myself?

for the majority, it is embedded into us.

if we can’t point the finger at someone else and blame them for the circumstance or problem, then we resort to blaming ourselves.

it is as though we struggle to just simply accept responsibility of what has happened.

to put it point blank, due to this lack of owning up and taking responsibility, you’re missing opportunities for learning and growth.

i am being open and honest because i genuinely want you to be able to get rid of self blame.

now, there is a big difference between self-blame and taking responsibility.

blaming yourself is not a healthy mindset to have.

eg; blaming yourself for all the bad things that happen in your life, or negatively talking down on yourself when you make a mistake.

this not only limits your growth and paints a pretty black and white thinking pattern,

but it also takes a toll on your self esteem and the relationship you have with yourself.

you may find the reason you tend to self-blame, is to attempt to sustain the perception that you’re still in control of the particular situation.

this is your body’s way to help you cope with the stress of an event, circumstance, experience, ect.

it gives your mind a false belief that because you’re in control, you’re still safe.

this could of been learnt from past experiences or childhood. 

but it is also a very common response to someone who has a been through, or is going through trauma.

what is blaming yourself?

as you’re not able to put the blame on someone or something else, the pain we feel has to be directed elsewhere,

and it is usually inward – as for the name, self-blame.

or you could have formed self blame as a coping mechanism as you grew up. 

this is why self blame is very common in adulthood.

people can bring habits they formed in their childhood with them into adulthood, as they may not be aware they’re doing this harmful habit.

what do i mean by this?

to expand on what i was saying just above.

certain circumstances are more than likely to happen in almost everyone’s life, yet the way everyone responds to these circumstances are different.

for example: breaking something (literally anything – a plate, phone, sunglasses, bone, car, book, spoon, ect)

previous mindset: 

“for goodness sakes i just broke my plate. why do i have to be so clumsy all of the time. this is why i can’t ever have anything nice in my life”

change in mindset: 

“oops, i just dropped the plate and it shattered everywhere. that’s alright, i’ll quickly clean it up before i accidentally stand on any shards of glass.”

see, it is not the circumstance itself, it is your response to it.

that “change in mindset” reaction may seem absurd to you, as you may be thinking –

“well how am i going to learn for the future and not make the same mistake again if i let everything bad just slide by like nothing happened”.

and that is where i have to stop you, because i had this exact thought.

it is possible for you to take accountability, without having to blame yourself.

this is what i was talking about right at the beginning of this article when i mentioned “putting in the hard yards and digging deep within yourself”.

we are so conditioned to blame ourself / tell ourself off / lecture ourself, for something that happened in our lives.

and you know why?

it’s usually what we have been brought up with, or we have done for a very long time in our lives (i.e, coping mechanism or unconscious habits).

now that you have become aware you blame yourself (as for why you’re reading this article),

you actually have to teach yourself to unlearn this response you have had for so long

– for me, it was unteaching myself something i had had my entire life!

alright so change in mindset, okay.

but what else?

identify your habits

we first need to figure out your root causes for your mechanisms and habits.

if you tend to blame yourself for everything in your life and you often feel guilty or regretful, it usually comes down to your childhood.

so, you need to dig deep and figure out;

– who you could of learnt this from

– what happened for you to have this habit (anything in particular you can think of?)

– where you may have got this habit from in your childhood.

– when do you think you became accustomed to using this habit.

– why do you think you still use this coping mechanism / form of response?

these questions above came straight out of my journal.

whilst figuring out why i blame myself, i brainstormed and questioned everything about myself to try learn how i could heal this part of me.

i found this particular exercise very beneficial in my healing, so i have created a pdf for you so you can do this exercise yourself if you want.

i highly highly highhhly recommend you answer these same questions to help you figure out where your self blame stems from.

i also recommend you track when ever you find yourself self blaming in a journal.

jot down when (the day and time), what happened to trigger it (what you were dong before/during) and what your self blame thoughts were.

this helps you identify where your self blame stems from (potential causes), also helps recognise your self blame patterns.

these can then help you challenge your negative thoughts and find the strategies that help you overcome them.

what causes self blame?

just quickly before we get into the strategies – what causes constant self blame?

a habit is something we have done so often that we pretty much don’t have to think twice when we do it.

a habit is formed when we use minimal awareness / consciousness to do the particular thing.

this is why i said above you may have not even been aware you self blame.

–it is as if you have only ever driven a manual car for 10 years. if you drove an automatic car, your hand would automatically (no pun intended), go to the gearstick. even though you know you’re in an automatic car, as you have formed a habit of changing gears whilst driving, your hand will go to the gearstick by habit–

similarly, this happens to your thinking patterns at times.

we’ll use an example of being the child growing up that always took the blame from their parents and siblings.

growing up with authoritative people (parents) telling you that you’re the reason something went wrong, or you’re the reason they can’t buy anything nice for the house. 

without knowing, you may have turned that childhood external voice (your parents) into an internal voice (your self blame / inner voice), as you grew.

your brain becomes used to hearing degrading comments, so as you grow up and see your parents less, your internal voice may turn against you.

it may begin to tell you those things your parents used to, because that’s all its used to hearing.

defensive mechanisms or coping mechanisms, are (mostly) unconscious strategies your body uses to protect you.

it is your ego using everything and anything it can get its hands on within your body and mind,

hoping to try and resist, or even separate yourself from certain thoughts, actions, events and/or people that are unpleasant.

self blame is also known as self-doubt, and it usually takes a bigggg dig at our self esteem.

self blame is often an unconscious coping mechanism we use in attempt to gain psychological safety.

when we blame ourself for something in our life or around us, it gives us a sense that we in control.

pretty much you are convincing yourself that it was your fault this thing happened.

self blame is essentially a survival response we tend to use.

but, it is an ineffective coping mechanism.

why do i use the word “ineffective”??

it’s ineffective in the way that you can push yourself into so much shame, disappointment, resentment and guilt, that you struggle to change and grow. 

this is because you’re always skipping past the need to properly analyse what actually just happened in the situation / circumstance,

(because you’re so used to just taking the blame).

okay now getting back on track with the steps

strategies to overcome self blame

acknowledge your thoughts

when you acknowledge what you’re thinking, you’re becoming aware and conscious of what you’re actually saying to yourself.

yes, you may think you know what you tell yourself, that was exactly my thought.

but, when i began this, i was completely shocked with how much rubbish i was chatting up in my mind.

not even in the sense of self blame at times, just excessive unimportant chit chat.

*i would be thinking something,

i would remember to acknowledge my thoughts,

so i became aware, and then sometimes i couldn’t even recall what i was thinking! literally within 1 millisecond!

(thats why i said unimportant chitchat)

you need to try it out, it might shock you as it did to me.

sometimes, we can bring traumatic times and coping mechanisms with us into adolescence and then into adulthood.

then, without realising it, we have turned this thinking pattern into a habit.

example: being neglected in someway, grew up as the child who took all the blame, emotionally abused or any sort of childhood trauma.

the habit / pattern of wanting to self blame is so soo strong.

this is why i advocate for you to begin putting in the work within yourself for your healing journey.

the quicker you’re able to become aware and stick to just the circumstances themself, the less you will suffer.

(as it will be harder for you to have something to blame yourself with, as you are viewing the problem / circumstance at face value).

make sure you challenge your negative self blame thoughts.

examine them at face value and look at the facts to help you switch the negative narrative of self blame, to a more balanced perspective.

i suggest writing your thoughts down in a journal and engaging in mindfulness.

this is when you are 100% present with your thoughts and allow yourself to feel them without making excuses or avoiding them.

this allows you to see your thoughts from a logical and objective perspective, rather than just emotionally.

reaching out and professional help

connecting with others was a crucial part of my healing journey.

surround yourself with supportive, uplifting and positive people.

if your self blame is taking a toll on your wellbeing, mental health or everyday life, then i highly advise you to please consider talking to a professional.

please seek help from a trained mental health or health professional, a psychologist, therapist, counsellor, or trained professional of that sort.

the information in this article today should never replace professional help, so please talk to a trained professional.

the content you are reading today is what helped me, so it won’t necessarily help you the way you need. 

professional help can be extremely helpful when overcoming self blame.

they can help and guide you to explore why you blame yourself and work through strategies to help shift your thinking.

how to become aware of your thoughts

this is what i did – 

**thinking thoughts all day long** – half way through the day i finally remember,

‘oh shoots i am meant to be acknowledging and be aware of my thoughts!!’

i became present in my mind and acknowledged what i was thinking.

i then engaged in mindfulness, where i deeply focused on my thoughts and wrote them down in a journal.

writing them down allowed me to view my self blaming thoughts in a different perspective (now logically and not just emotionally).

this allows you to switch your mindset to see the positives, not just negatives and also find any patterns in your self blame thoughts.

now this completely shocked me to my core when i found this out.

wait no, i don’t even think that describes the way i felt when i found this out. but… some.. people.. in this world… don’t have a … inner voice!!! an internal monologue!

i just thought everyone had one but apparently not.

but i am sorry if you don’t have an inner voice, because as much as i strive to help everyone i can, i don’t have any experience in not having one.

i don’t want to give advice that i have no experience or knowledge with.

alright, so we’re changing our mindset and we are beginning to acknowledge our thoughts, what now?

self compassion

my beautiful, beautiful friend, self compassion.

she is loved, she is cared for, she is nurtured, we encourage her, we protect her and we worship her, just as much as she worships you.

once you tap into your self compassion and learn how to utilise this part of your body, your life will truly change (well mine sure did).

for some, self compassion comes very naturally to them and to others (me a couple years ago), it doesn’t. 

but that is completely fine, as luckily for us, self compassion is learnable skill.

meaning we can discover, develop and cultivate self compassion within ourselves.

if you want a more in-depth article learning about self compassion and a step by step guide on how i was able to teach myself this skill, please let me know and i will create one to help you :))

self compassion used to be my enemy.

i thought if i were to participate in such a thing, i would become lazy, less motivated and make excuses for when i didn’t achieve my goals and aspirations.

if only i could tell myself back then how wrong i was, oh gosh, how far from the truth i was.

compassion is being able to recognise the suffering of other people and then willingly take action to help them.

so self-compassion is technically doing the things you would do to the people close to you when they are in a time of need, but for yourself.

this is especially important when you make mistakes, accidents, “fail”, ect, as this is when we actually need it the most.

in the instances where we are suffering, in pain, forgot to do something important, got rejected, when we didn’t succeed at something or are struggling.

self compassion is a way of being able to pick yourself up and move forward after you have a fall back, or are going through a hard time. 

it is your reminder within you, that you are there for yourself, even through these tough times.

it shows you’re willing to pick yourself up, dust off any of the negative thoughts or insecurities you may have, put yourself back on your feet, find your bearings again and support yourself to continue on.

if i was asked to describe self-compassion in 3 words, i would use;

kind, supportive and understanding.

self compassion allows you to create a relationship with yourself, where you feel safe and supported.

you know that you have your best interest at heart and you will pick yourself up if you are to fall.

setting boundaries

setting boundaries can help you avoid self blame, as it encourages you to not take any blame that is not yours.

how do boundaries do this?

because they help you take responsibility of what you do with your time, actions and energy.

with this being said, boundaries can help protect you against unreasonable self blame you may had previously put on yourself. 

it is beneficial for you to learn what your wants and needs are in life,

so you’re able to assert them to yourself and the people.

not to mention when you have healthy boundaries in your life it can help improve your wellbeing.

i have a full in-depth article going over how to set healthy boundaries after trauma. if you want to read about setting boundaries it is here.

emotional awareness

understanding your emotions and making sense of them to regulate them, are essential in your self improvement journey.

it also gives you an advantage when learning how to deal with self blame.

you’re able to understand and accept your emotions and how you’re feeling (dependent on the circumstance / situation that has happened), as they’re happening.

this can be in the example of trauma. 

as trauma is reliving past pain, your body doesn’t know or isn’t aware that it is actually a new moment.

your body may think that it is back in the moment where the trauma happened, that is why triggers or flashbacks can be so realistic,

it is because your body is essentially reliving the trauma.

having awareness over your emotions is a key part in your recovery, as it helps you build healthy relationships with your emotions and be able to process them.

your emotions also play a very large role in the decisions you make.

so learning to be emotionally aware is crucial, as you may feel your emotions are all over the place as you begin your healing journey.

(well for me my emotions were everywhere, but everyone is different)

i have a full in-depth article on emotional awareness here, if you want to expand your knowledge and understanding on this extremely important topic.

i really hope you have a better understanding on how you’re able to help yourself overcome self blame. 

i know how detrimental this habit can be on your self esteem and mental health, so my heart goes out to you as you begin to heal.

i believe with effort, patience and consistency, you will be able to help stop your self blaming tendencies. 

just give yourself time, practise what you know everyday, be kind to yourself and put in the effort to dig deep.

you can do it <33

-MAO

don’t give trauma the power to control you, you deserve to live how you want. take control of your trauma.

-life advice from one survivor to another