loneliness is an unpleasant, but normal state of mind we experience at times.

it’s commonly felt during the process of healing and rebuilding yourself after trauma, so you are not alone.

however, we need to learn how to positively control the influence loneliness has on us.

this is exactly what is going to be discussed in this article today.

loneliness

the feeling of loneliness is experienced differently for everyone. 

your loneliness could motivate you meet people and get out of the house.

however someone else’s loneliness could lead them to binge watch sad movies or listen to depressing songs.

loneliness is a feeling.

i think of loneliness as a craving for wanting human contact or greater social connections than you currently have.

we all need to be loved.

that is just a straight fact as it is embedded into us.

the need for love can be just as fundamental as our need for the water we drink and foods we eat. 

we all need to feel like we belong, feel loved, feel accepted and feel a part of a community.

why loneliness is dangerous

i wish i could speak this to you so you can hear my passion, but truly from the bottom of my heart, you need to get ontop of this feeling.

you need to actively be trying to new strategies to find solutions to this problem instead of dwelling on this feeling. 

you need to make changes to help you overcome this feeling, as the long term health risks of loneliness are, to be honest with you, quite terrifying.

feelings of loneliness add an excessive amount of stress into your life.

this can impact your physical and mental health, aswell as your immune system (which can lead to you fall ill). 

some people are surrounded by people, friends or family, yet still feel lonely, whilst others can be completely alone but not feel lonely. 

when we feel lonely, we are experiencing a disconnection from the people around us and this may develop a deep feeling of emptiness.

from time to time, most of us have experienced feeling sad or unhappy about being lonely and socially isolated.

especially now we’re in a society where we have social media.

i must make it clear, loneliness and being alone are 2 completely different things.

feeling lonely = emotional

alone = physical

loneliness is an emotional response we feel to perceived isolation , lack of connection and/or intimacy.

it is a psychological mechanism to try motivate us to go out and seek social connections.

if you broke your toe is will most likely hurt, motivating you to get it checked out.

loneliness is social pain, motivating you to seek new connections.

why we feel lonely after trauma

often when we experience trauma, it can lead to a deep sense of loneliness.

trauma affects our sense of self, our trust (with ourself and others), and our connections.

this can lead us to feeling isolated from not just the people around us, but also from ourself.

(isolated from our thoughts, emotions, being able to express or understand ourself, our ability to experience happiness, ect)

reasons you may feel lonely after trauma;

loss of trust

trauma often breaks our trust in people and our perceptions of the world.

you may feel you cannot connect with others the way you used to.

this can be due to fear they may hurt you, or that they won’t understand you.

this is because after experiencing trauma, it is hard to trust the actions and intentions of other people.

this is personally what affected me the most after experiencing my trauma.

overwhelmed with emotions

sometimes after going through trauma/s, we can experience really, really intense emotions.

these emotions (fear, anger, shame, sadness, ect) can override, consume or confuse us, as they come on so quickly or at random times.

as we feel we can’t control our emotions, we can also feel we don’t have control over our body, and this can lead to loneliness within.

but it can also lead us to isolate ourself from others, out of fear that our emotions may be triggered when we’re out with them.

i have an in-depth article on how to be aware of my emotions after trauma here, if you struggle with this i highly recommend it.

feelings of shame, guilt or blame

some of us feel an immense amount shame or guilt after trauma, and this can create barriers when connecting with others.

perhaps feeling shame for how you’re coping or feeling about the trauma,

or guilt for not “getting over it”, or overthinking the different ways you could of acted differently to prevent the event from happening.

i personally felt guilt and shame within myself that ‘i could of let something like that happen to me in my own room, my safe space’.

if you notice you’re blaming yourself alot after experiencing trauma, i have an in-depth article on self blame here.

social withdrawal

after trauma, you may find you avoid people or social situations altogether, due to the anxiety it creates.

this distance from others can lead to social withdrawal and this reinforces your feelings of loneliness.

i withdrew myself without realising i did, until one of my old friends said “you just disappeared from the face of the earth one day”.

disconnection from yourself

now i reckon this one will resonate with many, many people who have experienced/ing trauma.

trauma can cause a sense of disconnection from yourself, or a loss of your identity.

you can become completely disconnected from the person you were before this experience/s.

this can make it difficult to connect with others when you don’t even feel like yourself, and no longer feel aligned within.

this affected me big time. i completely changed the way i dressed, my friendships, my habits, my mannerisms, my career – just everything.

being hypervigilant

sometimes after trauma we become hypervigilant to everyday circumstances, (things we wouldn’t of battered an eyelid to before).

when you are hypervigilant, you are constantly on the look out for potential threats, dangers or trouble.

we tend to feel unsafe after trauma, so our brains increase our state of alertness to try to protect us.

this led to me feeling lonely, as i was always looking out and analysing people, as i felt anyone could come and hurt me.

from lack of love to loneliness

the lack of love we feel, can form the feeling of loneliness.

we as individuals, are largely shaped by the people we surround ourselves with.

in hindsight, you are the person you are based on who has loved you and who has refused to love you. 

it’s no secret that healthy love makes you feel better.

to have a person that you love and loves you in your life makes it sweeter.

but to be able to love someone effectively, you must love yourself first.

how to overcome loneliness

learning to love

to be able to truly love yourself or another person, you must be willing to open yourself up and be vulnerable. 

discover what you love, what brings you happiness and what you need in relationships/friendships.

you can discover and figure out alot about yourself through journaling.

but you need to have trust in yourself to be open, honest and vulnerable when digging deep within.

trust also plays an important aspect with feeling comfortable in expressing your thoughts and how you’re feeling to others.

remember that trust develops slowly over time and you don’t need to completely trust someone the second you meet them.

honest communication is one of the most important aspects when learning to love and trust.

you need to openly express your emotions, feelings and beliefs to others.

this avoids any unwanted feelings, you suppressing what you’re thinking or hiding parts of yourself, as this can lead to overthinking.

instead of focusing on yourself, focus on the needs and concerns of the other person or people. 

you will receive love back from others when you’re willing to give love without being concerned about self-gain.

“when your focus is to give out love to others (instead of trying to receive love), you will become loveable and almost certainly be loved by others.”

most of the time, the way people treat and react to you, is due to the way you treat and think about yourself.

we always hear “don’t judge a book by its cover” but the reality is, most first assumptions are based on the things we see.

(the way they dress, their facial features, the way they hold themself, mannerisms, ect)

also, many people will judge you based on the way you treat others.

this falls into the next step of overcoming loneliness,

you need to project an aura that people want to be around. 

aura cleaning

when you believe you’re unlovable, unconsciously the people around you will reject you, as you project an aura of unwantedness.

this is why i preach the saying ‘you are what you think’ because it is the truth.

it is a law of the universe so it’s not ‘maybe ‘ true, it is 100% factual.

you can transform your mind into a healthier and more positive state, by changing your thoughts.

a few strategies:

• replace one of your bad habits with a new good habit

• practise daily gratitude

• journal – a way to express everything within you

• create goals then break them into actionable steps and affirm them daily

• live a healthy lifestyle that makes you happy and feel good

• say positive affirmations 

form a habit of saying daily affirmations that remind you, you are loveable and people love your company and being around you.

even though we can’t control what people think, this form of affirmation can trick our brain into thinking that you are in fact loveable.

this is only if it is done multiple times daily and you have full belief of what you’re saying.

if you don’t believe it at first, or even a month in, it doesn’t matter.

keep saying them multiple times a day, because you’re slowly letting those positive words sink deeper and deeper into your subconscious.

we are atoms, we are made of vibrations.

meaning, what we feel and think, is ultimately what we’re going to receive or influence into our life (with reason).

self reflection and evaluation 

self reflect.

you need to figure out areas in your life that make you feel the most lonely in order to implement changes to help you overcome this feeling.

ask yourself

when do i feel lonely?

– is it mainly at night time?

– is it always near valentine’s day or christmas?

– is it when i hang out with a particular person in the friend group?

– does something trigger me to feel lonely?

what situations make me feel the most lonely?

– is it after i hang out with my best friend and her partner?

– is it after i scroll on social media?

– is it when i say yes to working overtime and see all my friends hanging out together?

self reflection journal

writing in a journal allows you to put your thoughts and feeling onto paper, but also notice if you have any patterns.

this way you can brainstorm and try different strategies to help you manage and regulate your feelings of loneliness.

it is a great way to dig deep and figure out where this loneliness feeling is stemming from, so you work on changing it for your wellbeing. 

whilst journaling, it is extremely important to practise self compassion.

each day you write about your feelings, do not judge or criticise yourself, just simply let your thoughts flow out.

when writing, try to focus on showing yourself compassion by offering the same kindness you would to a close friend but to yourself.

(imagine your close friend just told you what you’re going through, what you your response be to them?)

this allows you to process your feelings, and over time can help reduce the internal barriers that isolate yourself from others.

nature

one of the most beautiful aspects about nature is that it doesnt care who you are or what you look like, it recharges you anyways.

i always find that when i spend time in nature my mood is always boosted and i come back feeling energised and a lot better.

nature has a calming effect on, so camping is my literal savour when i need a reset or break from everything.

grounding techniques

you may find grounding exercises may help when you begin feeling overwhelmed or disconnected.

grounding can help you reconnect to the present moment again as it requires you to pause, breathe, be present and notice.

this can help soothe our minds when overwhelmed and can helps feel less isolated in our feelings.

if you would like an article on the best grounding techniques i found in my journey, just let me know.

validation

be compassionate and validate your emotions and what you’re feeling.

what i mean by this is, allow yourself to feel the emotions of feeling lonely.

don’t put yourself down for feeling a normal emotion we all feel.

i actually found this part very interesting when i dove deeper into why we feel this emotion as humans –

feelings of loneliness is actually our body’s way of letting us know that we should try to develop stronger connections,

or to seek out new social connections for the people hat are no longer serving us in life.

“loneliness is our body’s way of asking for change to happen, it motivates us to look for social connections.”

it is a psychological mechanism (our body’s way of asking for change to happen) that motivates us to look for social connections.

how crazy! it almost makes me feel bad i feel so down when i feel lonely, instead of helping my body find a solution to this pain it feels.

i feel like we feel we have (or maybe i’m just taking about myself here), an obligation to our friends.

but life is all about people coming and going.

friendships help us grow to to a certain extent and teach us valuable lessons.

then we say goodbye to the friendships we outgrew to create new connections to keep expanding ourself.

stop comparing yourself to others

most feelings of loneliness stems from comparison.

i have done a more in-depth blog of how you can learn to stop comparing yourself to others here, i highly recommend reading this if you tend to feel lonely because of comparison.

this could be someone from your old job posts an instagram post of their new partner and you think “oh my gosh how did they get a partner and im still single”, or somehow 3 of your close mates all happen to be in greece at the same time and you see it on their story and you feel lonely in the sense of missing out the opportunity to make those memories with them or experience the history and culture on other side of the world.

everyone feels lonely to an extent sometime in their life, so please don’t compare yourself to others.

seek professional help

please consider seeking professional help if your loneliness is affecting your overall wellbeing.

if it is causing you significant distress, disrupting your daily life, or leading to mental health problems.

sometimes we need help from professionals, and there is nothing wrong with that.

the information in this article today should never replace professional help, so please talk to a trained professional.

the information you are reading is what helped me, so it won’t necessarily help you the way you need. 

a trained professional can help you process what happened, and help you gradually reconnect with others in healthy ways.

level of connection in friendships

quality over quantity in friendships, as vulnerability is a necessity.

have a think (or journal) about the people in your life and if you have a deep level of connection with them.

we need to figure out our needs and desires to feel connected.

feeling fulfilled in emotional connections is one way to help you feel less lonely.

once you’ have’ve figured out your needs and desires, you need to be vulnerable and express them to others.

this way you know and they know what you need to be fulfilled and satisfied in the friendship.

feeling lonely when surrounded by people, usually comes down to the lack of connection in an emotional way.

you can be physically connected or mentally connected, but not emotionally.

you don’t want 15 shallow relationships / friendships, where you don’t feel comfortable or safe to express your true thoughts, beliefs and opinions. 

we need to be vulnerable with our emotions and struggles we’re going through to feel connected and heard..

sometimes, all you need is to feel safe enough where you’re comfortable to speak and say how you’re feeling.

with a deeply connected friendship, they will listen to you and let you get everything out. 

you may find that sometimes, no words or response is necessary, just a simple acknowledgment that you’re being listened to and heard.

if you want to have trustworthy friends, be a trustworthy friend first!

exercise

exercise exercises exerciseee (or just staying active)

exercise and moving your body is sooooo important for increasing our feelings of wellbeing.

this is because when you exercise and get your body moving, your “happy” hormones get released.

don’t think i am telling you “you have to go to the gym to stop feeling lonely!!”

far from it. just getting movement in daily and living a healthy active life is more than enough to helping you feelings of loneliness.

• at home workouts, coastal or nature walks, bike rides, runs, swimming, dancing, your sport training and games

but it could also be a great way to meet new people in a group based setting – perhaps 

• a morning run club, a pilates class, a boxing by the beach weekend class – the special thing about this is the lists are endless, just do what you love.

when you work on yourself you feel good.

you feel more confident and more attractive and by feeling this way you will become to act in this way aswell.

people attract what they put out into this universe.

hobbies/sport/club

put yourself in new places where you have the opportunity to meet new people and create new friendships.

begin a new hobby that has always caught your eye, what are you passionate about or willing to try –

• knitting, pottery, running, reading, guitar, dancing, pilates, cooking classes, painting – anything!

try out that training session for the netball teams advertisement you see on the sign on your way to work every morning.

try to a group or organisation around what you know will bring you happiness and fulfilment.

yep… there’s more

learn something new and get creative!

literally anything that you find interest in

• you have a favourite holiday destination? learn to speak that language,

• love organic food? learn about veggies and to begin gardening

• maybe you love taking photos? learn how to take proper photographs

or, engage in creative activities that bring you comfort

• drawing, music, painting, singing, dancing, digital designs, creating video, writing poetry, ect.

creative activities provide allows you to express yourself in ways that don’t necessarily require ‘word’s’.

i found this extremely helpful in still being able to express and release my pain and trauma when i didn’t know how to communicate it to others.

act with confidence and be yourself

when you’re out and about, keep your head high and act with confidence.

standing with your shoulders back instead of slouched over, creates an approachable language.

non verbal communication is just as important as verbal communication.

create an inviting and friendly approach (eye contact, smiling, open posture) before going up and talking to someone.

and you may even find people come over and talk to you more often.

but i said ‘act with confidence and be yourself‘, you must stay true to yourself and be your authentic self, just be more confident with yourself.

sayyyy yesssss

learn to say yes more to the things you actually want to do.

you’re invited to go out by your work colleagues? say yes.

your mum wants to go out for a weekend away? say yes.

i found when i’m more open to new opportunities i have been invited to, i walk away feeling better than how i originally thought i would.

you truly never know who you will meet, or what could happen, or where one simple night of saying yes could lead you.

obviously stick to your boundaries you have, but if something arises that you fancy but it may scare you abit, say yes.

reconnection

reconnect with old friendships, or begin to open yourself up to your family, close friends or relationships. 

you may have friendships or a parental figure that you love dearly and value ever so much, yet you just don’t feel comfortable enough sharing certain aspects of your life.

begin to break those walls down.

if you believe they’re the right person to talk to in particular situations, then get out of your comfort zone.

begin to feel vulnerable by expressing how you’re feeling or what you’re going through.

more times then not, people will be more receptive than you thought they would be.

humans loveee to help others, as it makes us feel good when we know someone is trusting us by sharing a hard part of their lives with us.

it creates stronger relationships, builds trust and transparency between you.

online social connection

if meeting in person is too overwhelming, difficult or you’re unable so, then this may be one of the only times i will praise social media.

with the society we live in today, everyone’s mums and dog is on social media.

the friendships and communities online are endless, and you can even build your own!

p.s (just don’t share too much personal information to someone you have never met because you know – i have watched a lot of movies and videos of people not being who they said they were).

my aim with my social media platforms and this website is to create a community for survivors to know they aren’t alone on this journey and get inspiration for their healing.

i am striving to cultivate a community where you feel safe to express your journey, struggles or tips and connect with other survivors in a safe way.

technology is an ever changing thing we have in our society, so use it to your advantage in particular ways of speaking, facetiming, texting and connecting with others. 

(just try not to scroll for hours, cause you’ll probably begin to feel lonely after seeing that random couple on their honeymoon in japan, ect)

practising solitude

we need to practise solitude more often.

spending time alone is such an important aspect in life.

it gives you time to reflect on who you are and how your life is,

but it also gives you time to focus on your goals in life and who you want to become.

being comfortable in solitude is such an important way to be able to understand yourself,

– your emotions, feelings, values, brain and everything.

it is a self improvement and self development must.

i went away for a week solo camping and i loved it.

i may have looked lonely to others, but i was at the most peace within myself.

i found out what i wanted in life, my goals, my independence and found myself in situations where i was out of my comfort zone.

the best part is that you don’t have distractions or external influences.

spending time in solitude can look like:

• walks, meditation, journaling, exercise, a trip, camping, writing poems, drawing, mindfulness, dancing, cooking, hike, deep cleaning.

make sure when you’re practising this solitude you turn off music, as music blocks you from being truly present.

creating a routine

this is a personal must of mine that i need in my life, so i thought i’d add it in as it may help you too.

i feel the less lonely when i have a set routine in place.

now this isn’t a follow this plan step by step without missing a thing so i have every hour of my day planned.

no,

it’s more of a generalised guide so i can keep structure and feel like i am in control of my life.

prioritise your self care and set boundaries

begin setting boundaries to protect your time, emotional energy and peace.

if certain situations, people or environments make you feel overwhelmed or unsafe, it is more than okay to take a step back.

you need to prioritise your well-being. that means saying no to the things that tend to drain you.

having boundaries creates room for you to heal and helps you connect with others in more meaningful ways, as you now have more energy.

leave your past in your past

please don’t go back to people that aren’t meant to be in your life just because you’re feeling lonely.

healing from trauma is a continuous journey so remember to move at your own pace.

the loneliness you’re feeling is completely valid.

it is part of the process of rebuilding yourself after a traumatic experience.

i really hope you begin your journey of understanding yourself so you can implement changes into your life to help you heal this loneliness void.

with compassion, patience, support and small steps, over time you’ll begin to rebuild trust within yourself and in others.

you’re not alone in this ❤

my story

i wanted to share why i am so passionate about this topic and why i begin every day as a new start, a new beginning.

this is abit about my story.

*please be advised that i mention a traumatic experience, i don’t go into detail but i do refer to it, read at your own discretion*

the times i have been the “most lonely” or “most alone” to another persons perspective, have actually been when i felt the least alone.

i felt the loneliest after going through a big traumatic event in my life.

i wasn’t per se “alone”, but i was in the fact that i couldn’t tell the people around me what i had gone through.

another time was during change when i felt the loneliest.

during my last years in high school some of my peers formed a big friendship group of around 20 to 25 people.

we hung out, kid you not, every single weekend.

now, when i say hung out, i mean going to peoples houses for gathos or parties.

there didn’t need to be a special occasion, we did anything just to allow us hang out at the weekend.

i was months out of high school when i turned 18, and most of my friends had already had their 18th birthday.

we still all went out together, but it was more as more as a pres before they went out.

i can’t lie, i did have a few months of feral mode after I turned 18, where i went out every weekend and lived it up and had so much fun.

but i got bored of it, and after those few months of fun, i decided that i didn’t want to be going out every weekend and drinking – so the messages slowed down until they eventually stopped.

i went from having 30+ friends that i saw on a weekly basis to being alone.

but i knew i wanted more in life.

i had all these goals and ambitions set in my mind, i knew this lifestyle wasn’t going to help me grow the way i needed to to achieve these goals i had.

(i found working on myself, healing and levelling up was a very lonely road, but it is one of the best things i have ever done in my life)

the last time i saw this friend group was the night of my traumatic event. i felt the loneliest i had ever felt.

i tried everything to understand myself, what i wanted in life and to pick myself up from feeling this way.

and what helped me the most are in this article today for you to try out.

as my life has always evolved around sport, i joined a new team and i absolutely fell inlove with the people in my team and the enivroment. 

then i had an injury, and i was out for almost a year.

i felt very lonely in the sense that i was sitting out when the people i loved were still playing the sport i loved.

but instead of spiralling into a negative mindset from this loneliness, i stayed in touch with my community.

i went to every training session and game, got around the girls and helped out in a coaching position.

this helped me feel like i still belonged and was valued just as much in the team as i would of been if i were playing.

your story

if you feel comfortable you can write whatever you want to express, struggles you’re dealing with, or topics you want to read.

you are not alone and your story and journey is just as important as everyone elses.

you are amazing.

-mao

don’t give trauma the power to control you, you deserve to live how you want. take control of your trauma.

-life advice from one survivor to another