i am so proud and honoured to be your first.

the first connection that ran so deep it made you want to change for the better.

a type of love so strong that there is never enough paper to write it in a letter.

and as i grew, so did your heart for me,

your protection and safety was a guarantee.

but being your first meant i needed to be the best,

in every test, the way i dressed and to be polite to every guest.

the thing that mattered most was to make you proud,

to see your bright smile among the crowd.

at first it seemed easy to stay on the top,

you supported me with my goals and advised me to never stop.

but i began to set the bar of my expectations far too high,

and if i didn’t reach them, all i could do was cry.

you taught me to be the best in all i do,

that my hopes and dreams are something i can pursue.

but what if my hopes and dreams were different from your vision?

would that had made you change your decision?

fighting to get your approval at whatever cost.

not caring about what i wanted, or what i had lost.

you see, i wanted to be just like you, my inspiration for when i grew.

you are the perfect mama, in everything you do.

but to follow the path you laid out for me,

i realised it meant i could never truly be free.

i hold a feeling of responsibility to stick by your side,

to help you with your troubles, or when you need help to decide.

i love how i know exactly what to do to make you smile,

or how you come to me to make your pain go away for awhile.

how you ask for my advice when you are unsure of your own,

or come to hang out, when you are feeling alone.

i am your best friend, and i say that with pride.

someone you know you’ll always have by your side.

i know life hasn’t always been the fairest to you,

that’s why i try to be there with everything you go through.

empathy and compassion are the biggest parts of me,

but i feel like it impedes me to some degree.

you know i’ll always be there for you through thick and thin,

but i can’t seem to shake this guilt i hold within.

guilt for wanting to create my own path.

guilt for wanting to explore the world with my own eyes.

guilt for wanting to expand and grow.

guilt of needing to leave you one day,

cause that is a conversation i will never know how to say.

-mao

28/02/2025

i would love to hear from you if you have any suggestions for poems or article topics you would like to read about, or any feedback.

you are amazing 🤍