all of us are comparing ourself to some degree in life, either positively or negatively. 

i assume you compare yourself negatively at times, as for why you want to learn strategies to help switch this mindset.

well the good news is you have already completed the first step, being acknowledgement.

being aware and acknowledging you’re comparing is the main step in learning how to stop this trait, so well done!

why do we compare

comparing yourself to others is called ‘social comparison’, and humans have used it long before social media was around.

we rely heavily on social comparison to accurately evaluate our abilities, emotional reactions, attitudes, traits, opinions, ect.

this is a form of self judgment, which helps us find certain circumstances and experiences that are at our current skill level.

some studies have found that as much as 10% of our thoughts are involved with comparisons of some kind.

and seeings as the average person has around 60,000 thoughts per day, that is a huge amount! 

psychology behind comparing

in 1954, psychologist Leon Festinger, first proposed a social comparison theory.

it stated “people come to know themselves by evaluating their own attitudes, abilities and beliefs in comparison with others”.

humans struggle to live in loneliness or isolation as we tend to rely on eachother, as for why we are ‘social animals’.

when we compare ourselves to other people, we are giving ourselves a ‘benchmark’ for self assessment.

this can help us determine whether we’re ‘doing good’ / ‘well in life’ or, if we may be lacking and need to adjust our abilities and behaviours.

now quickly, there are two types of comparisons we make between ourself and others.

these up upward comparisons, (comparing ourself to someone that is seen as ‘better’ than us)

and downward comparisons, (comparing ourself to someone that is seen as ‘worse’ than us)

we all hold a deep, deep desire.

a desire to feel important. 

no matter how small or big that desire in us is, we all have it to some extent.

to achieve satisfaction in this desire we need interaction with others.

whether it’s their appreciation towards us (upward), or it’s feeling superior to them (downward), both make us feel a sense of importance.

positive and negative comparison

there are many negative connotations to the word “comparing”, however, comparison isn’t always a bad thing.

whenever we interact with others, we’re judging them, whether you’re aware of it or not.

whenever we make these judgements we then compare them with others, ourselves or our personalised standards.

this is why we need switch our mindset to a helpful and constructive state so we get guidance, motivation and inspiration from others.

lets go over some differences between negatively comparing ourselves and positively comparing.

positively comparing

when we compare ourselves in a positive way, it allows us to create a baseline of where we currently are in life, and where we want to ideally be. 

this helps us gain motivation to help us achieve our desires, goals and ideal visions in life.

we need to use upward comparisons constructively, to view them as opportunities for self learning, improvement and growth.

with this mindset, comparing ourselves to those who are more skilled or knowledgeable than us, can help us with our learning and growing.

when we see others achieve something, it can inspire us to strive to improve ourselves, work harder, take actionable steps, ect.

this is even more motivating if we believe that the person we’re comparing ourselves to is similar to us.

it gives us hope that their success is something we can also achieve!

negatively comparing

negative emotions (envy, resentment, jealousy, ect) often arise when we have a negative mindset toward upward comparisons.

these emotions have the power to diminish our sense of personal achievement, as they aren’t as “big” or “important” as the other persons.

constant upward comparison can damage our relationships and decrease our self esteem.

this is due to the feelings of resentment, jealousy, anxiety, imperfections, or a sense that we aren’t successful enough or are behind in life.

some of us can experience ‘imposter syndrome’ when we compare ourselves in a negative mindset to others.

this can cause us to feel like we don’t deserve or aren’t worthy of our success, even if we worked hard to achieve it.

impact of social media on comparison

often we pick out our lesser qualities and compare them to someone’s best qualities.

this has been present all throughout history (comparing our lesser to someones better).

and now that social media exists, we’re exposed to people’s achievements and lives without ever even meeting them!

for the social media side of things you need to remember this:

what people tend to post are the highlights of their lives, it does not depict their day to day life. 

people tend to post around 20% (or less) of their life, the parts that are most aesthetic or ‘show worthy’.

this ultimately means you’re comparing your 100% self and life, to someone else’s edited 20% “life”.

note how i said edited.

so many people edit, clip and manipulate their lives, bodies and lifestyle to post on social media.

this makes it even harder on us, as we can be comparing ourselves to a completely fake life someone perceives on social media.

you need to let that sink in and remember it for the next time you compare yourself.

social media for the viewer is mainly upward comparisons, as it’s often a place people post their highlights in life.

we are mainly shown the best parts of peoples lives, being their successes, appearance, personal milestones, travels, ect.

this can distort our own self perception, as we just assume everyone lives are a more exciting, better life than ours.

when we compare ourselves to others, it can harmfully change the perspective we have on our lives, body or self worth. 

this is precisely why we need to find ways that help you get out of this mindset.

lets get into my best tips and strategies

i began by implementing small changes into my life that then created habits, which then impacted my daily routine mentally and physically.

tips when it comes to comparison

reality check

please remind yourself this when you are comparing:

what you are seeing online, or as you are passing someone, is just a glimpse of their life, it is certainly not the whole picture.

saying my thanks – gratefulness and gratitude 

try to practise reflecting on everything you appreciate in life.

i keep a regular journal, but you can keep a gratitude journal if you want to write down the things you’re thankful and grateful for every day.

this can help shift your focus to the things you love and have in your life from what others have.

saying my daily thanks made me realise just how much i actually had in life. 

i may have continued to accidentally take these beautiful things in life for granted, had i not become more aware of them.

by doing this, i created a habit of saying what i am grateful for, so now if i am grateful i express it in the moment, aswell as in my journal.

this has positively changed my outlook on life in so many ways, which created a huge change in my mentality.

limit your social media time

social media has the influence to amplify feelings of comparison and this can have effects on our mental health. 

i recommend following social media accounts that positively inspire you, make you feel good, or are helpful/educating you in some way. 

taking breaks away from social media is the best help i can give you, but i understand it isn’t very practical for some peoples lives.

i began by slowly limiting my time spent on social media each day.

by doing so when i did actually go on social media, it was only for work or to get inspiration, a recipe, guidance or education.

i didn’t feel the need or want to spend my precious time aimlessly scrolling on social media anymore.

taking social media out of my life has honestly transformed by life and has helped me positively switch my comparison mindset.

goal setting

make sure you are focusing on your personal journey.

an amazing way to do this is by setting specific and achievable goals. 

how i create my goals is by creating big goals – yearly, quarterly, monthly, weekly and daily.

then break those goals down into steps or ‘to do’ lists.

this way you have a step by step guide on how you can achieve your goals, which helps you hold yourself accountable.

please make sure you celebrate your progress along your journey, no matter how small!!

boundary setting

learning to set boundaries is such a necessity when it comes to having the will power to help you heal your negative comparison mindset.

setting boundaries around limiting your time on social media, how long have have a break after you find yourself comparing, ect ect.

if you want to learn in-depth how to set boundaries, i have created an article for you.

embrace your uniqueness! 

you need to remind yourself that everyone in this life is going through their own personal journey, on their own path, in their own timeline. 

i suggest you create a list of all the things you love about yourself, your strengths, and unique qualities.

this is a kind act of self care, but it can also help reinforce your self worth.

please don’t feel the need to hide your uniqueness – be authentic and embrace you aren’t the same as everyone else (that’s boring in my eyes).

challenge all your negative thoughts

whenever you catch yourself comparing, you need to pause, and then question those specific thoughts. 

begin to question if these thoughts are based on facts, or are based on assumptions, opinions and beliefs. 

question your negative thoughts to help switch your mindset positively.

now it does take time to positively change your mindset, but as i said above, it’s all about implementing small changes into your life.

these “small” changes add up to change your habits, mindset and routines – this is one of the small changes, so stay consistent.

cultivate self compassion

self compassion is treating yourself with the same understanding and kindness as you would to your friends or family.

we need self compassion the most in the instances where we are suffering, in pain, are struggling, ect.

acknowledge that everyone has their own struggles and it is perfectly normal and okay to have flaws and ‘imperfections’.

self compassion is your personal reminder that you are there for yourself, even through these tough times.

when you know you are on your side in life you’re able to acknowledge your feelings and emotions without any criticism or judgement.

affirmations were a huge help for me when beginning self compassion.

i want to let you know that self compassion was one of the things that took me the longest to learn in my healing journey,

so if you’re struggling it’s okay, just keep putting in the effort daily.

focus on your growth

instead of comparing yourself to others growth and journeys, begin to focus on your own growth.

reflect on the challenges you have overcome, the achievements you have made and how far you have already come on you journey.

when you do compare, use others lifestyles, journeys, or whatever it is that you’re comparing, as inspiration for your person journey and growth.

strategies and exercises for you

a self reflection journal

i have found having a journal has been sooo beneficial when it comes to changing and healing my negative comparison mindset.

it gives you a space to express all your emotions, thoughts, feelings, goals and anything you have within you.

i suggest writing about a time you have compared yourself to someone.

this way you can explore the emotions, thoughts and feelings that arose within you.

by doing this you can figure out what triggered them, and then reflect and write what you learned or a lesson you received from that experience.

i have an article all about journaling here – how to begin, benefits, ways to journal and more

identify your triggers 

i recommend keeping a physical tracker / log of your triggers.

write down the certain situations and people that trigger you to compare yourself negatively. 

this can be within your current journal, in a different journal, or on your phone – however you desire

by having a tracker you can see, it makes it easier to note recurring situations/people/environments that cause your triggers.

this is you identifying your triggers, so then you can create strategies to help you cope with them or switch your thoughts in those moments.

i have an article on helping identify, regulate and manage your triggers here, but keep in mind these are triggers from trauma.

use your imagination and visualisation 

the power our imagination holds is one of, if not the most underrated force in the world.

i recommend visualising your ideal self and life each night. 

make sure you focus on what brings you joy and fulfilment so you can become emotionally involved to this, instead of what others have. 

this helps you clarify your personal values and desires, whilst helping you take actions to be able to create a life that aligns with your visualisations.

growing self awareness and emotional awareness

sometimes we can compare ourselves unconsciously, meaning we are unaware we are doing so.

when you catch yourself in the act, it means you are aware of your thoughts, and this is the first step to stopping your habit.

gaining and growing my emotional awareness was very beneficial in my growth journey, so i recommend growing yours too.

i have an article that goes over everything about being aware, understanding and regulating your emotions after going through trauma.

self compassion & positive affirmations: 

i suggest creating a list of positive affirmations that deeply resonate with you. 

if you are unsure of how to use affirmations properly, i have an article for you, it includes 29 powerful affirmations for mental clarity.

repeat your affirmations daily to remind yourself of your worth, and to reinforce a positive self image.

example : “i am on my own journey that is unique and valuable, i have trust in myself to make the right decisions.”

when you find yourself comparing, i recommend pausing and taking a little self compassion break.

pausing means you are acknowledging your thoughts, but go a step further and offer yourself acts of self compassion.

use kind words to talk to yourself, just like what you would say to your friend if they were talking negatively about themself.

example: “i am growing and improving each day by trying my hardest and i am proud of that. it’s okay that i’m not where they are in life yet”

engage in your passions, activities and hobbies 

make sure you spend time doing the things you love and find joy in.

continue to try new activities that interest or excite you so you can continue your growth and expansion.

when you focus on your passions in life, it helps shift your attention from other people and back toward your own journey and happiness.

doing the things you love help create a sense of identity, contentment, control, fulfilment, gratefulness and many more positive emotions.

a heartfelt letter of gratitude

now only do this exercise if it is something that interests you, because if it doesn’t, it probably won’t have much impact.

i wrote a letter to myself, the title being my first name and at the end of the page my middle name.

in between my name, i filled the page up with everything that makes me, me

i expressed my appreciation for my strengths, achievements, what makes me proud of myself and obstacles i’ve overcame. 

this exercise helped me deepen my relationship with myself, as i saw how much i actually appreciated myself.

it reinforced a positive self image whilst making me realise just how much i had achieved and accomplished in my life.

mindfulness meditation: 

engaging and practising mindfulness can help you become more aware of your thoughts, feelings and emotions without judgment. 

important: without judgement

i highly recommend journaling and practise just being still.

don’t make excuse for the negative thoughts you have.

let the emotions you feel associated to the thoughts ride out until there is nothing left in them.

then after the emotions have left, begin to work on ways you can help switch your mindset to more positive thinking.

also engaging in your mindful pause.

this is for when you catch yourself comparing.

take a deep breath in, pause, and say reassuring words to remind yourself that everyones journeys are different.

here are some ways that helped me:

these are the strategies and tips i mentioned above, i’m just sharing how they impacted my personal experience.

• whenever i found myself comparing i literally said in my head “you’re comparing again. you’re okay but you need to stop”. 

by doing this, i acknowledged i was negatively comparing.

i knew i needed to do something before i began to spiral and be upset my life wasn’t like the peoples i was seeing. 

i let myself ride out the emotions i was feeling without making excuses for them, so i understood what i was that made me upset.

i would turn off the app, get off my phone all together, and allow myself to sit with the feelings

after they left, i would write down what i felt and why, then create strategies and steps i can do in my life to help me get to where i wanted.

after brainstorming strategies, i would say kind things to myself (self compassion), or say my affirmations.

i would then do another activity to switch my focus to not go back to the negative source.

• as i touched on before, i decreased the time i spent on social media drastically

i began by just limiting my time each week and by doing so i slowly got out of my social media habit.

set boundaries within yourself – screen time goal, a certain time limit (like between 2pm-4pm), no phone first hour of watch up or going to bed, ect.

• seek out personal connection, not comparison. if you are amazed by someones life, reach out to them, let them know, ask them questions!

• i reminded myself of my achievements, and genuinely just everything i had in my life (the letter i wrote to myself)

• focus on your strengths and successes in life, make a list of your own qualities.

i found this really empowering, as if i don’t look back at my progress and accomplishments, i find they easily get lost in the way of life as time is going by quicker and quicker.

i also found it was easy to forget about my personal strengths when i was faced with someone elses achievements, so it helped with that too.

• i thought about the people i had in my life, my accomplishments and the things i had done that made me proud.

• realising that my journey is completely different to the people i am seeing.

most of the time we can not see the behind the scenes of people’s lives.

we don’t know what they have had to do, what they have been through, the sacrifices they have made, to have the lifestyle, body, job, or what ever it is that you’re comparing yourself with.

• becoming aware of the process i am currently on, compared to solely on the goal itself.

• being happy and proud of the journey instead of just goal oriented was a big game changer for me.

this helped me notice the progress i had made towards my goal, instead of being upset that i hadn’t reached my goal yet.

it’s also important in helping you enjoy the journey you’re currently on rather than just waiting for your desired point in life.

• honestly, being able to find contentment in my life and in myself was one of the biggest influences that helped me stop comparing myself to others.

by being genuinely happy within myself and what i had made my little life to be so so important.

• engaging in gratitude and making it a practise to say in the moment and write what i am grateful for in life, helped immensely.

instead of focusing on what i don’t have, gratitude made me realised the things i already have, have had and for the experiences i’ve made.

it made me realise i am happy with what i have and i am constantly growing and working towards my goals and dreams. 

• being able to celebrate people is such a powerful attribute to have because you’re able to support them rather than judge them.

make it a habit to sincerely appreciate and celebrate others, without an ounce of jealousy or judgement.

this will empower and inspire you on your journey but also empower the other person you’re celebrating.

they will feel appreciated and happy to have someone in their life they can celebrate their successes with, without feeling guilty for achieving them.

final thoughts

the next time you find you’re comparing yourself to someone, remember that everyone is dealing their own struggles, even if they’re not visible.

it’s a necessity to learn to compete with yourself, instead of others. 

you should be trying to be a better person than you were yesterday, or a week ago, instead of focusing on being better than someone else

they are a completely different human being with their unique opinion, behaviours, life, struggles, goals, literally everything is different!

remember this mindset switch wont happen overnight, but stay consistent and put in the effort, even if it feels it’s not working.

you will begin to notice differences in the way you treat and speak to yourself when you are able to flip out of the negative comparison mindset.

social media has changed our lives as we’re constantly surrounded by other peoples lives now, even without ever meeting them.

please don’t be so hard on yourself, as you never know who is comparing themself to you without you realising.

become so content within yourself and with your journey that people are inspired to not compare their self to others anymore and be carefree.

you’re amazing ❤

share your journey

please feel free to share your experience, or anything that helps you on your development journey <3

i love reading your personal journey

– MAO

don’t give trauma the power to control you, you deserve to live how you want. take control of your trauma.

-life advice from one survivor to another