i wonder if other people pay the same amount of attention as i do to the voice in my head.

the conversations she practises one hundred times, just so i know the perfect way to phrase what i need to say.

then she comes up with different options of how they may respond.

or how when i write, and whatever i am writing, she is also saying it in my mind.

the silent screaming i wish to say, but she let’s it just stays up there.

the advice she gives, but also, the encouragement.

casually carrying on a conversation to not be rude, whilst she’s up there questioning peoples actions.

see, it’s strange how as i grow, so does she.

her values and perspectives change.

her voice changes, and the way she treats me changes.

her opinions on other people change,

she even changed the negative thoughts.

she never gave up no matter how many times they still came.

instead of feeding them like she used to, she tries to see the positive side,

and her consistency paid off, because now negative thoughts rarely arise.

she reminds me of important dates coming up,

or the list i forgot to bring with me that i need to buy.

when i am silent, she is the loudest.

and when she is loudest, i am silent.

it is the perfect give and take relationship.

perfect listener and problem solver.

the day i no longer hear her, is the day i will be alone.

she pushes me when my body doesn’t think i am strong enough.

she always calls me by my name, and reminds me of how strong i am.

she also protects me by looking deeper into all the things i feel,

to an outside perspective it’s ‘overthinking‘ or ‘anxiety’.

but she now knows it is better to feel than to ignore.

she also tends to bring up the past.

not to scare me,

but to show me that it’s okay to feel the way i do.

she reminds me to open up and be vulnerable within,

to learn from my past experiences,

understand my true self and emotions,

let go of any suppressed feelings or memories.

she creates the most beautiful art in the forms of words, and surprises me when i reread them aloud,

because she expresses how i truly feel.

sometimes i block how i feel, to how i want to feel.

but she is my gentle reminder that it is okay to not feel perfect every day.

she is honest and raw.

of all the things that will come and go in life, i feel blessed she will never leave.

i will always have her through my best experiences, and my worst.

she is my teacher and my discipliner.

she protects me and she loves me.

but,

i love her more.

13/08/2023

-MAO