trust is the invisible lifeline that connects us to forming safe relationships – with ourself, with others, and the world.
trust is never easy for anyone, and it becomes even harder for us after experiencing trauma.
we do not deserve to live in fear. we deserve to take power over our trauma, and begin to regain our trust to the best we can.
lets learn gentle ways we can help rebuild our trust, starting from the inside out.
i hope this can help you on your journey.
within yourself
we need the ability of trust in almost every aspect of our lives.
trust is one of the most beneficial traits we need in order to make and maintain friendships and relationships.
in order to grow and heal you must create a positive relationship with yourself, one that makes you proud of who you are and who you’re growing to be.
love yourself
learning to love yourself is the first step.
this takes time, so make sure you’re patient and kind to yourself.
i highly recommend, if you don’t already, to start journaling.
it is your safe space to pour your heart and soul out instead of keeping it bottled up within.
to be able to love yourself, to begin to trust yourself, you must understand yourself.
i highly recommend reading my article on how to find yourself after trauma to learn how to reconnect with the parts of yourself that may be buried.
what you love and enjoy
a great start to forming a close relationship with yourself is figuring out the things you truly love and enjoy to do.
write at the top of a page, what i love and enjoy: then have a deep think about it and jot down your ideas into a list.
think about what brought you happiness as a child – write it down.
by doing so, you are not only able to do the things that bring you true pleasure, but you’re also helping heal your inner child.
now, people do grow and change, so maybe what you used to enjoy as a child no longer brings you happiness, and that is perfectly fine.
(whether you’ve simply grown out of it, it brings back unwanted memories and triggers, or you don’t have the resources/places/people around you anymore to do them.)
if so, have a think about what you do during your day, week, or month, where you have a genuine smile.
those moments where you feel a sense of peace and joy, and truly feel most alive and yourself.
write a list on those too.
if you can’t think of anything at the top of your head, then every day before bed write 2 boxes on a piece of paper.
what i loved about today and what made me smile.
these two may correlate with the answers, but after a week or two, look back and read all the things that you loved and made you smile.
sometimes we tend take what we have in life for granted, but when you begin to consciously look out for the things that bring you joy within your day, it almost becomes second nature to notice what you love.
this is commonly known as gratitude.
a few of the things i love are;
i love the beach, reading, long walks, cooking, training for my sport, learning something new and i love camping.
when i am feeling down or those unwanted thoughts keep creeping back in my head i,
1. look at my list,
2. pick one of the things i have access to do at the moment in time,
and finally 3. i go and do it.
this is the beautiful beginning of a loving relationship with yourself.
you know what makes you feel better and you’re taking the time to care for yourself.
it may feel uncomfortable at first, but you’re allowing yourself to slowly become more comfortable with being by yourself.
this was an essential part for my healing journey, as i was able to learn more about my body, actually acknowledge my feelings, discover coping mechanisms, and begin to forgive myself.
you will start to feel more in control of your life when you know you have yourself during these hard times.
the first person i was able to gain trust in again after being betrayed, was myself.
make sure to celebrate your small wins during the day – it is an amazing motivator.
small wins create big changes. i believe in you. now you believe in you too.
with others
next was the harder step. the people around me.
during my healing, i made baby steps with the people i saw the most in my life, and if i could suggest something to you, i would say do the same.
for me that was with my family and friends.
baby steps
from my experience, i recommend taking baby steps, as they progress over time.
baby steps enable you to not feel as overwhelmed and alone.
you must listen to yourself – that inkling or intuitive feeling you felt.
if you’re not ready, that is okay.
this is your journey. your story. your life. listen to yourself and take the time you need –
but please know that you are ever so powerful and brave.
i didn’t open up to anyone for a while, and even when i did, it wasn’t 100% my choice because i didn’t feel ready,
but if i didn’t say anything then, if i waited until i felt ‘ready’, i truly don’t know if i ever would of.
if you are struggling or your mental health is declining, i strongly advise you to seek professional help from a trained mental health professional or a trained professional of that sort.
don’t be scared of change
where there is change, there is room for growth, and as you are growing, you’re going to be a different person to who you were before this event/experience.
change is a good thing, as it is proof you’re healing.
being able to open up to those around you will come with time.
having different friendships means you will tell them in different times, ways and environments that best suit you. only if you feel comfortable doing so.
communication
make sure you communicate your needs and feelings effectively.
as annoying as it is sometimes, no-one can read your mind. so if you want someone to know something, you’re going to have to tell them.
communication will be your best friend during this time, so practise being okay with being vulnerable.
understand what you need, so you’re able to communicate that with others.
remember, vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness.
significant other
you’ve gained trust with yourself and have healthy relationships with your friends and/or family.
now for one of the biggest step, and for me it was an extremely extremely scary step.
you’ve met someone you feel like you’re taking an interest in and want to get to know them on a deeper level.
time
take your time. move as slow or as fast as you need.
i began by taking things really reallllllly slow. only messaging once, maybe twice a day. only seeing them once a week.
i recommend keeping a journal.
with my journal i was able to write the emotions and feelings i felt almost everyday.
whatever i was thinking, i put it out into words.
you can journal however you want. it is a way to express yourself, there is no right and wrong
boundaries
setting boundaries early on in the relationship is one of my biggest tips for gaining trust in a romantic partner.
you’re able to see the level of respect they have by setting boundaries.
no boundary is silly, whatever you feel is necessary to protect your peace and energy, create a boundary.
important to note – you must communicate your boundary to the person, as they won’t know you have it set unless you make them aware of it.
i have a full in-depth article here if you would like to read it – how to set healthy boundaries after trauma.
due to my boundaries i set, i knew i was quite distant.
so to let them know i was interested and liked them, i let out not too much, but just enough to let them know i just need abit of time.
the truth is, not everyone has been through a traumatic time in their life, so not everyone will understand.
some people will come and go due to different circumstances, but if they leave, it is for the better.
it does take time to find the right person who will not only respect and understand you, but also want to be part of your journey.
with the people that disappear, you must remember it is nothing to do with you.
but as you have a good loving relationship with yourself now, i trust you will already know that.
once i felt comfortable, i slowly began to let out little hints about my past and what i’d been through.
this way i could read the body language and know if they were the right person to tell everything to, if i should wait longer or just find a more understanding person all together.
you must trust what your body is telling you.
if you have the feeling you can’t quite trust them, don’t push it to the back of your mind.
it may be your brain trying to protect you, but it also may be a warning sign.
in my experience, my brain came up with alot of “answers” they could of given me if i were to tell them about my trauma.
this is completely normal as it is your brain protecting you, but make sure you don’t lose sleep over your overthinking.
if you feel you feel comfortable and safe with this person over the past few weeks, months or years of being with them, then that is a good sign.
make sure you know that you have no obligation to tell them about your past if you don’t want to.
for me, when i told my partner what happened, i got a type of reassurance i wasn’t expecting, and it was truly one of the best feelings.
however, it took me over 15 months to regain my trust, so there is no rush.
if it has taken you longer, that is completely okay, as everyones journeys are different.
the amount of trust i now have is still not to the level i used to have, but maybe that’s for the better.
gentle reminder
healing doesn’t have a timetable or manual as every human is different, so what works for one person may not work for you.
or a step that takes someone a week, may take you a months – but it is okay!
healing is a journey, a constant journey through life.
unfortunately it is a difficult one, i don’t want to sugar coat it.
it requires endless amounts of deep personal work.
but if you put in the effort to learn about yourself, i really hope you’ll be able to regain that part of you that never should of been taken away in the first place.
i have full faith in you on your journey.
-MAO
don’t give trauma the power to control you, you deserve to live how you want. take control of your trauma.
-life advice from one survivor to another
you are so strong